I don’t know when it started happening. I don’t even know what it is. I stopped caring about my looks. Little things began irritating me. I got tired of people saying that I was not ready for the future. The thought of being on my own intrigued me… but it also scared me. I began to feel insecure and envious of others. What will you do after you leave? What do you have planned for your future? I don’t have any plans because it hasn’t been discussed. I wish I could have a therapist or counselor who can talk me through all of this. Talk me through my feelings. I look at pictures of my son and cry inside. It is your fault you are missing out on his life. That thought goes through my head continuously.
Someday I want to write to Dr. Amen and ask him what he would advise for a person like me. I have embraced my ADD and learned to deal with my emotional breakdowns. What else is there for me to do? I am told that I am at the peak of my life. What does that mean? I have been labeled a late bloomer and that things happen later for me. Why can’t I just be normal for a change? Just blogging helps with my Social Anxiety Disorder. You wouldn’t imagine that a person like me would be afraid to socialize with anyone. It is true though. The thought of meet and greet time at church makes me squirm. I would rather sit in a corner listen to the sermon and then sneak out before anyone notices. The Depression reminds me that I am not loved. Isn’t that a ridiculous notion?
I have even decided to give “S” a name… it will be “Sam.” I would rather call him Sam because that is a nicer name than “S.” Sam was the only guy who could stand up to my parents per say. When he first met my mom he pretty much declared his intentions to have a future with me. Before him I had crushes on guys who just didn’t seem interested. This would bring my self-confidence down several points. We both enjoyed movies, music, and books. I thought I had found my soul mate. After waiting years to be wanted I got my wish. I never saw a man in uniform… he was just a guy who enjoyed my company. He lavished me with attention. He didn’t care about the racial difference he just fell for me just the way I was. It was amazing! Naïve me didn’t see the signs that he was controlling. It was his way or the high way. It was a miracle that he never really physically harmed me. His jokes were unfamiliar to me. I never knew if he was serious or just joking. What hurt me the most was the silent treatments I got. I never really knew if he was upset with me or someone else. Things began to be on a need to know basis. Obviously I didn’t need to know a lot. I didn’t know if this was normal for a relationship because this was my first one. If only I waited an extra three months into our relationship to take the next level. If only I had asked more questions about his life. I pretty much poured out information about myself (Thanks ADD!) and waited for him to do the same. It rarely came… once again a need to know basis. It wasn’t until the end that I told him what I thought about that theory, “You fucking don’t care about me!” It finally happened I had enough of the secrecy. So I left the same way I came into the lifestyle with as much belongings I could fit in the suitcase. The only good thing that came out of that relationship was our son. I hope he never forgets me. No matter what anyone says I tried my hardest to keep my chin up and fake the smile on my face.