A few days ago, I wrote out the verses I read from a book that I am reading named Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. Last year I tried to read it daily and got way behind. When 2016 started I decided to read it as a book and if was daily that was good. If I was not I was not going to make myself feel guilty. On the last day of January came I felt that I needed to do something different. I wanted February to be a different month all together. I was going to put myself through a personal boot camp so I could see if I could improve more in some of the areas that I needed to work on.
How I am healing:
Since I have been in Holeta, I have wondered where I would belong in the world. I felt like I had lost myself in the previous couple of years. I was tired from my divorce. My mom explains it as, “You have been through hell and back… you need to move on and find yourself.”
A person might wonder why I returned to Ethiopia. Well for one thing, things are slow paced. I would have someone helping me as I get back on my feet. We have had many people helping my family with acclimating into a new environment and culture. My babysitter has returned to her place as helper to our family. She has returned to her position as someone who is helping me get back on my feet. I did not realize how physically weak I was until I began looking at some of the pictures I have been taking over the past 3 years. I am emotionally wounded from the struggles I had endured. I used to be a very affectionate person who enjoyed hugging people. Now these days unless I have gotten used to a person I find that to be very difficult. My kind heart was replaced with a distrusting heart that is not sure weary of anybody that tries to befriend me. When I see children playing in the street I wonder if my son is doing that also. Even my emotions towards the world have changed. I try to listen to music that used to make me happy. I try to explain to my mom why I feel the way I feel. Words even hurt me even though they are used in love and nurturing.
I figured instead of a huge post about my healing chapter I would just summarize it in a few words. It is not dramatic or elaborate. It is actually a lot harder than I seems. I go through days where I want to just go crawl into bed and not come out. Then there are days where I can get up and clean my room without getting too tired. How I help, my family is by watering the plants growing on our veranda. I have added a few more places, but it is taking a little longer so I play music to help me pass the time. I am also helping my mom with everyday projects. I am her techie person when it comes to charging gadgets and adding music to her iPod. I think as soon as I was born my father knighted me my mother’s helper. At a young age, I learned how to help her from her power chair and wheelchair. That was our bonding time when we went grocery shopping. She would tell me what she needed and I would find them and bring them to the cart. We also bonded over my hair. Should we braid it or put relaxer in? Now as we battle the dandruff war we decide how short we should it go. Yes, we bond over all kinds of things.
Yes, I am my mother’s helper. She is my parent, counselor, and friend. She listens to me when I have a rough day. She reminds me to keep my eyes on the Lord who will provide for my needs. Why did I return to Ethiopia? Because my mother needed me to get through this new change in her life. By helping her, I am helping myself. That is how I am healing.