No really its loves to think and occasionally over think things.
Start, stop, cut, and maybe publish if I don’t doubt myself. That is the formula I live and occasionally write by. My friend’s cat on my lap deciding whether to put my notebook on someplace where both can be safe. The cat imprinted itself to be when I returned to the States without even knowing me. He has been my guard and lap buddy when my anxiety peaks. Even on the hot days, he feels the need to check on me. Yes, Chap, I am still there especially when you are sitting on my chest as I lie down. Stress, anxiety, and some bouts of depression. That is what gets me some days since I have gotten back to the state where I grew up. My background is Ethiopian, yet I grew up in the neighborhoods of Washington. Mostly in the Seattle areas (West, South, and even the North end at some points of my life). Being a pastor’s kid, I mean the child of a pastor, made life difficult sometimes. Its been a month since I posted on here. A month of wondering what was going on in my head. To write, to post, or to blog. I started posting on Medium. I have a Profile and just started brainstorming. I started reading and then ideas started coming to me. But in the back of my mind, I felt like there was still a part of me here. I imported some of my work from both here and my other blog. Honestly, I had looked at sites about becoming a freelance writer. This became a suggestion that after thinking it over I jumped on board. Within a few weeks, my followers’ list grew and grew. It shocked me. The problem with me is that I can’t tell a lie. I am the unique type of person who is willing to do the right thing. As many of you know I was traveling abroad for many a few years. It is true that I was helping my parents especially my mother adjust to being back home in Ethiopia after 30 years in America. What I have described also in my posts since then was that I have lived with the results of a very unhealthy relationship with my son’s father. In fact, in two weeks I will be hitting the milestone of the night I made the choice to leave him. The stress and anxiety of from that life finally took a toll on me. At one point in my life, I began experiencing stroke-like symptoms from the stress. I was silent and had no way of communicating.
There was a moment I was so scared of my ex and the shaming I endured in the past. At one point when my son and I came to visit my mother, it caused to me having an emotional breakdown. To this day I have a difficult time remembering what exactly had happened. Some of the specialists that I saw diagnosed me with PTSD due to the stress and anxiety. I do know without a shadow of a doubt when I made my choice to leave I was afraid that things might have ended differently. Many people who knew me then say that it was a miracle that things resulted in me being able to tackle so much on my plate and take care of my son at the same time.
What people didn’t know was just a small dose of fear can cause someone to emotionally crack on the pressure. No matter how strong I am. I knew that inside of me I was something unique. I was someone who knew that doing the right thing was the most important thing. So knowing this when you ask me how I am. I might pause before I answer. In my mind, I have to decide “Can I trust this person?” Then I would try to say what I am thinking without edit myself.
I started today like any day checking my email and just trying to get my body going. Of course this is pre-coffee. The last few weeks I have been going to the dentist and taking care of my teeth. It’s a long time in coming trust me (not just the being abroad thing either.) Yesterday was my final filling of a two or four-part series. Considering that I have lost track should tell you something. Since I had time I decided to do things I needed to do doctor and dental appointments were just that needing to be done. Than of course scheduling in job search and possible interviews into that calendar. Yesterday I did an assessment for ones of those said jobs. Finally something I could do my mind and heart said.
Its been rough few weeks since my moods kept see sawing up and down. Lets say I did a lot of resting and sleeping in between things. I watched a few movies and shows on Netflix to help stimulate my mind. I decided there was hope for me after finally seeing Bridget Jones Baby. If she could do it than I should keep trying. With my support system cheering me on I have been trying to keep the depression at bay.
Just as I am determined to be healthy (even with achy teeth). I am doing my best to stick to the healthy stuff and try to take care of myself. Truth be damned I am walking and doing my steps daily. Somehow I have hit over 3,000 in some days. Can I get a wow!
So until next time you can find me on Twitter, interest, and of course here in the blogosphere. 😀
Today I want to talk about taking care of oneself. It is something that is most heard in the health and wellness community. I have noticed it a lot on Pinterest. A while back I decided to make a board that I would like to call Advice. It began as a search for things that I thought would help me when I needed to get help for all things self-care like mental health pins or basic things for my post divorce life. Upon returning to the States I realized how much I was behind my peers and wanted to improve myself not in just their eyes but my own. So I searched, pinned, and found so many nugget of information. Than I thought maybe there are others out there just like me. So I decided to share as much on here on my blog as well as Twitter and Facebook.
I had to know that it was okay to be behind. It’s the lessons that you learn that is the most important. My friends have reminded me that even as I wonder about my son… taking care of myself was the best way to take care of him.
To be honest as a young child in elementary school the fad of what color or season are you come in 3rd grade I recall. I wanted so badly to be part of that discussion, but sadly not a lot of people could figure out my style. It felt pretty discouraging because I wanted to know what colors looked good on me and not just the cute outfit my mom or grandmother would get me. Yes I was that person that people mostly just got things hat looked cute on them. Honestly… I still am sometimes. Recently my friend started explaining to me about my skin tone. Reader I am almost 40 and I had no idea what she was talking to me about.
So what I am trying to say is it is never too late to learn how to take care of yourself. Just making the choice to come back and get my feet on the ground was the base of my self-care. Taking walks whenever the ground was in my opinion easy to walk on and I knew I wouldn’t fall over the cobblestones (this is back in Holeta of course) was my steps in self care.
So if you want advice on how to blog, take care of yourself, or those handy Do It Yourself projects look no further than Sara Gamachu on Pinterest. Leave me a comment or tweet about what you think about these posts. I sure love reading all of them.
So that’s it for this week. Stay tune for more from me Sara G!
Stop thinking became the suggestion that most people have given me. So this is me just doing that. Each post I have written lately has just been thoughts coming out on the screen. I didn’t edit (other than spelling and grammar) and let my mind loose. Impulsively I let myself share my articles or posts that I have written in the past. I am just doing this so I can push away my depression. Yep folks I am telling it like it is. After getting let go my body went backwards for a few days and boy did I rest. I put myself aside and decided to put someone else first. That is how I battled my depression by not thinking bad about myself. Trust me that is the worst thing you could do to yourself. My coach suggested a hug dose of self-care would help me. So I gave in to the Carmel M &Ms that called to me from the grocery shelves. I found myself some dairy free yogurt and ice cream. I grabbed the kind of supplements that I knew I would take without making a :-p face. Yes I took the Alive gummy multivitamins.
I became this determined woman who was ready to get life going. I found as much optimistic tweet and retweeted them because I knew there were other people who were going through the same thing I was. I couldn’t give up. No way no how.
I would love to hear from you all. The comments box are open and you can tweet to me @SaraMahlet on Twitter. Lets talk about how we need to help each other out.
Its the first Monday in July and my heart was a flutter. What all could I do to improve myself. Well first on my mind was to make a few calls that I decided to put off to today what I couldn’t do last Friday. My mind told me it was probably going to be a long weekend since a holiday was coming up. I suddenly realized it would be my first 4th of July back in the States. Wow the last time I did this was back in 2013.
I didn’t allow myself to feel bad that I couldn’t really remember the last time. My memory was a little hazy with the medicine I had been taking to help with my anxiety at that time. I knew that my son was with me and it would be our first and last holiday together in a very long time. I recalled the year before how I was trying to blow up his swimming accessory tube so he could go playing in the pool with his cousin. As hard as I blew it just wouldn’t do it. I finally asked his father to help since my breath was not strong enough. I knew as this memory taunted me I felt the anger that I couldn’t do something as simple as that. Than I had to tell myself that it wasn’t my fault that I did try and that took guts. Remember Molly you did as for help. It wasn’t your fault that you were taunted for not being able to do something.
Just asking for help is a huge thing reader. Just think how many people actually ask for help when they know they can’t do something. As yourself that next time someone asks you to help them.
Fast forward to today. I knew the last few weeks had been hard for me. I was lucky I had a support group who recognized when I needed help. Just raising your hand or making that phone call to get a specialist that takes courage from the person. They are their to answer your question. There is no stupid questions. That is what so many people have told me. I just had to trust myself to have the courage to say, “Excuse me do you have my current information on file?” It can mean less embarrassment or anxiety when you go to that appointment.
Thank you for reading and that is my thought for Monday, July 2nd 2018.
This time I feel more confident about how it’s going to work.
After watching Set Up on Netflix I realized that I was similar to Harper. I had things I dreamed of doing. Just not enough time to actually do it. I started adding various organizing to do apps to my phone just so I could get my days set up. The best part was that I was able to visualize appointments as they came instead of dreading and wondering what was about to happen.
Yesterday as I was updating my Indeed profile I felt this confidence come over me. It was as if I knew what I wanted. It didn’t need to be my dream job. I didn’t need to be a I had to have a job. It was a “I know what I want now lets see if we could find it.”
After so many years of cheering people on and hoping for the best of others my body felt drained. I wanted so badly to continue being the cheerleader. My soul was still in it… yet the rest of me wondered “What about me?” I felt the light house in me go from a shimmering light to a barely blinking out to the distance.
How was my son going to find me if I couldn’t even find myself. It was something that would constantly wonder in my mind. Most jobs these days confirmed that I was not a good fit. That perhaps something else would come my way. That was why I took a week off from everything. My insides felt exhausted from trying so hard to please everyone. Everyone but me. I realized I could work one day on the weekend… but not both. I needed time to recharge my batteries and be ready to smile and greet people.
I also realized I was a server. I loved helping people. That was my thing. Being able to make a difference in a person’s life. That was my mantra.
I started this a few days ago and decided to just put it on hold for when I could write it the only way I could or would be able to.
A year ago I was walking around my little walkabout in Holeta wondering what it would be like to get back to the States. I kept reminding myself that yes it could happen. Just didn’t know when. I knew I would have some hurdles to jump over like where would I stay, what would I do, and mainly how to get the help that I need. I knew from past experiences that ADD was my friend and Stress and Anxiety were my reminders. They were like sisters that wanted to help me but needed to be provided in the right direction. Yes, they reminded me of what I could and could not do. They also taught me how to dream. All the things I could wish to do like cook, take care of myself, and naturally see my son again in some way.
Since then I took my steps towards my healing. Getting signed up for help from the State to get food, medical, and other things I didn’t even think of. I then enrolled in a job training program that helped awaken my retail memories in various steps. After the few jobs that I have had this year, I realized something. I was not the type that could sell things. I could suggest them and give tips. I was more comfortable being the support staff. At the spa, I realized the scanning information became something I could do. Entering the information was another thing that gave me joy. “Would you like tea or water?” Making the coconut water in the morning went from a step by step motion to something that became naturally.
Now I am back at my drawing board deciding what my next venture would be. I knew for sure a desk job would be ideal. Work in an office environment would be wonderful because I would be using my office skills. My Worksource case manager and several others are giving me lead on where to apply. I am just thinking through and picturing myself in each scenario to see if it would be the right place for me.
If there is one thing about me that you might have noticed is that I don’t give up so easily. I may take time to think (or over-think I admit) things through. It would save me and others time to make sure the choice is a right one.
She looked at her life and all the milestone. Turned each rock down her mental beachside as the waves kissed her feet.
She couldn’t see the memories but felt them tugging at her heart. She cried out “Grandmother, Chewake how did you stay strong?” Then felt her spirit embrace her. Don’t worry little one. You will grow strong. He knows you love him. He will come running back to you as he did as a child. I silently wept back physical and internal tears. I will be strong. I will carry on. My grandmother did and so will I.
I have put mahaleta98.wordpress.com back online. Feel free to look back. I will from here on stay on this blog because it got tiring going back and forth between the two blogs.
How is it that when anniversaries come by sometimes the mind doesn’t realize it. But when someone acknowledges it the difference it makes in a person is tremendous. Last night as I was working on my training my whole mind went to the Reader Notification on my blog. I had seen the badge for my anniversary the day before but it didn’t hit me. I wanted to do some big post saying how proud of myself for such a milestone. But my mind was hyper-focused on my goal of finishing my training. I had been at my job for a year and doing on the job training but didn’t do my webinars. So I told myself “Molly do you want this badly?” Of course I said yes. So I decided this was what I needed to do. I was putting the oxygen mask on my face and taking in the deep breaths. I knew I needed more training not just on the job but extra so my mind could understand what was going on. So that was that. I decided I would do whatever it took listening to the YouTube videos at night and doing the demos during the weekend.
You know what it was as if the light bulb went on and I had a Oprah “Ah Ha” moment. It was amazing. I remember last year I made it my goal to have more than a thousand followers on Twitter. I wanted to promote my blogs and reach more people. I worked my butt off trying to understand how others did it and do it my own way. Today I have over 2k following me on Twitter.
Life is not easy when you have memory difficulties. You have to find a different way to help you do the most simple things. I use my phone to schedule appointments and set up things. I make sure I get notifications and reminders the day before and day of. I knew without that I would be lost and not able to keep up with everyone else.
Before my mom left she made me promise I would do whatever it took to get better and improve myself. Living with anxiety is a lot of work. I have to turn of the thoughts in my head that or put blockers that tell me that I can’t do something.
Thank you WordPress for giving me the wings to soar. This butterfly is learning to soar with the eagles. 🙂
I had been over thinking about this one for a few weeks. My energy that I put into my Facebook page was overwhelming. I realized as much as I added not a lot came back. Then I started to wonder if I was spamming too much. So I finally made the decision to pull the plug on the page. I just couldn’t handle all the thoughts coming at me. So with sadness I am saying goodbye to Sara Gamachu, blogger page on Facebook. She was liked by 46 people and many shared her posts or picture links.
There I have that out-of-the-way. Now onto the next thought about mahaleta98.wordpress.com. How many people noticed that it has been hidden. Any show of hands? Well once again I just couldn’t keep up with it. I loved it so much it was my starter on WordPress. I haven’t deleted it just hiding it for another time when I can fully enjoy it again. As I write this my thoughts are swirling around in my head. Can you really do this Molly? Can you just do one blog? The answer is yes. I can.
With my job at the spa going really well my body adjusting to my new work schedule (new to me of course). I am going to try to give more time to journaling and sharing when I can on refresh28.wordpress.com. I want to inspire and motivate people with my words.
I have always loved reading and writing in several journals. It has been a dream to share it with the public. I hear many people asking me when was I going to write a book. I dreamily would answer “Someday when my life is put together.” Until than I just love posting on my blog. It gives me a chance to give another point of view into life. I mean how many other people can juggle life, anxiety, and a few other things I write about? Not many I think. Just doing a balancing act is hard enough.
So with all these changes I hope to gain more readers and subscribers.
When I was told that Kate Spade died I was saddened. This has become something we are hearing more often. People dying from depression and mental illness. I recall when Robin Williams passed on that my mom was concerned for me. It was the early stages of my healing so she was worried it would trigger something inside of me.
Luckily it didn’t do much but cause great sadness in me. When the frontman of Linkin Park passed away I was furious that all was said was a simple scroll on the BBC screen. The main interview was so brief that I didn’t see it. My heart breaks each time this news comes to me. Why are people not wanting to help others? Plus when people label things it made me even sadder and discouraged.
For now, I am just sitting here and writing out these thoughts. My thoughts go out to all the families involved with bullying, depression, anxiety, and other situations similar. You are never too young or too old to deal with this. I should know. Get help, talk to someone anyone who will sit still long enough to listen to you. Please let us not let this go on longer. Let 2018 not be another year of deaths to this condition.
No tags today… just a creative thought to bear for all those in pain….