Recently I have come to realize how people really like no love me. It is humbling to hear such kind words spoken or written. Returning to the States was a dream I had most 2017. It was a rough journey to get my mind and body ready for the adjustment. The when and where I would live became the question each day. I remember asking my friend if she would be willing to take me in.
I really didn’t have a lot of choices at the time. I was a bundle of emotions not sure what I was feeling. Honestly I felt alone and unsure of the future. Would I ever see my son again? Would he even want to see me? 4 or 5 years was a long time. For me I was living in a caccoon healing from my emotional pain and wounds. I knew people cared about me, yet the memories of the past made me wonder if people would understand why I took a sabbatical.
Your over 21 became a phrase that I heard repeatedly. Yes of age but healing from emotional wounds that caused my mind to forget when I became too anxious. I started this blog to help me get back on my feet. The thoughts are real. They explain how I am dealing with feeling emotions again. Learning to love myself and enjoy the little things in life. Realizing yes I can do things if a person is patient enough to teach them to me.
The writing community on Twitter has become the basis of this post. They accept me and encourage me. I am so thankful for them. My friends that have been practically like my family have been a blessing to me. They give me this love that has me realize that I will get better in time. They suggest things and take the time to explain it to me so I can understand what is being said. Of course there is my mom who has been pushing me to get better and be self sufficient. Ready to remind me that God has a plan for me.
She looked at her life and all the milestone. Turned each rock down her mental beachside as the waves kissed her feet.
She couldn’t see the memories but felt them tugging at her heart. She cried out “Grandmother, Chewake how did you stay strong?” Then felt her spirit embrace her. Don’t worry little one. You will grow strong. He knows you love him. He will come running back to you as he did as a child. I silently wept back physical and internal tears. I will be strong. I will carry on. My grandmother did and so will I.
I have put mahaleta98.wordpress.com back online. Feel free to look back. I will from here on stay on this blog because it got tiring going back and forth between the two blogs.
Just getting up is a great thing. Knowing I am accepted is another. Feeling the love is the way I battle my fears. Knowing people are there helps too. I used to imagine people verbally supporting me saying yes you can. Walk those steps and clean those dishes. I do it for me now. Not anyone else.
Getting a book, blog post, message, or even email has helpped me with starting over. June was going to be my reading month. I downloaded to iBooks The Scarlet Letter, Pride and Prejudice, War and Peace, and Little Women. I knew the weather would be cold and wet which brought on winter blues. After reading Dr. Amen’s book about magnificent minds I decided to do something different. Instead of being bored and bummed I was going to make lemonade out of lemons.
I remember writing book reports and presenting it to my class. The art of reading a book and sharing it with others gave me great joy. I might start doing that on here. We shall see.
I got excited when I got a new email or message because I felt so hungry for contact with my friends. I wanted to bond over what was happening in the world. I love my family, but my support system was the thing that helped me remember who I was. They stood up to me and for me. That has been the acceptance I have yearned for all my life.
As I read other bloggers post I feel one in the community. @Thought Catalog has been one of my favorites. I love sharing their posts because it had such an effect on me. @BeautyBeyondBones is another favorite of mine. Her worlds about life after ED gives me hope as I get over my emotional wounds. Each blog I follow gives me a place to escape to.
In closing reading has been my way of coping with my current stage in life. Because I am unable to communicate with people due to my language difficulty. I run away to the world of books for a calming feeling. These classics remind me that the world was never this dark and gray. Plus how the characters deal with everyday activities teach me that life has a rainbow ending even in our darkest days.
I am not the average person. I came to America at a young age. I was never a leader, but I wanted to. If I wasn’t so shy I could say a lot of things. I was bullied because I was different. The bullies well they looked just like me, but they were different. What they saw was a skinny girl who had a funny name. I had to work hard for several years to prove to myself that I wasn’t a skinny girl who actually had a voice. I was told that I had a mind and was smart. It took me years to get over that image in my mind. I hated the word skinny or boney. I perfered slender and smart. On the outside I didn’t look like all the other girls. On the inside past the hand me down clothes and the wannabe charm. I was a girl who just wanted to be accepted, loved, and cherished. It has taken me half of my life to look at food to be a friend and not a bad thing. I could eat so much and still not be full. If I didn’t have a safety net of people to remind me who I really am I would have become a very bitter person. See this is not a sob story. No this is a survivor’s story. I can be anyone, anywhere, or anybody. No I am not a typical person. I am me. I am a human being who wants to be loved and cherished. Look past my broken heart because it has been shattered to pieces too many times. I just keep on putting on a bandage to cover the wounds. I worked hard to make a life for myself. I just have to find somone to accept me. Broken heart and all.