My head is still spinning from the excitement that my piece being published on the Black Girls Create website. I have been trying to apply for jobs left and right. Many didn’t make it to an interview. My heart would drop when I realized things were just not working out. So, as usual, I started doing things to distract myself from the pressure. Listening to music, washing dishes, doing laundry, watching shows on Netflix, and of courses reading and writing. Since arriving in Eastern Washington I joined a crochet group so I could learn a new hobby. Got to keep my hands busy right?
I started a post about my past with the plan to clear my mind and give my heart a rest from the memories that have started coming back. It was about the time of the Supreme Court nomination when it began. Hearing stories about abuse and harassment started striking a nerve. My heart started racing as the thoughts came bursting in my head. It got to be hard to deal with things because it triggers some of the depressive thoughts. Of course, that connected to me wondering if I would get a job. My friend had to explain how I was one of many people competing for the position. So in a way my competitive juices began. It became one of the many feelings I started having since I got back in November. It’s not easy to have been gone or taking a break just to get back on my feet. So I decided I would do my best and keep plugging in.
Its been a few days since I started this post. I took a few days to rest my mind and balance my emotions. I was feeling this overload of emotion ranging from joy to exhaustion. This was only the second piece that I wrote under my full name, Mahlet Sebhat. It gave me this hope that things might be changing. The only feeling I could compare this to was after I gave birth to my son. I remember soon after I came after they needed to sew me back up. I was excited, scared, and tired. Most of all I was proud that I was able to do the single thing that I prepared myself physically and emotionally for several months.
Since we arrived in Cheney I was not sure how to act. Sure I have moved several times in my life. Some I remember others I wasn’t actually part of the physical moving. Do I put things in boxes? How do I put the box together? Can I lift it down the 3 floors of stairs of the Everett place? All these thoughts jumbled up in my mind. What is going to happen once we arrived in Cheney? Would I fit in? How in the world do I put a room together? It had been ages since I had a room of my own with things of mine. Sure it was not a lot of stuff. Would I be able to find a job? How about a doctor? Is there a therapist I could find who would help me with my healing journey?
Well, it has been a month since we arrived. I have not only set up my room. It has all the comforts that I need from a bed to a dresser for my clothes. I was lucky that my aunt had a dresser that she didn’t need. It came at just the right time. Within a few weeks, I got my medical information updated and found a doctor and therapist. My next appointment with the latter is coming up. Now if only I can find a job. Lately, I took the nontraditional route as I continued to apply for jobs. I import my blog posts to Medium and write. My piece on Black Girls Create is an example of this. I decided that I just can’t give up. I have to keep going until something comes up. At some point this week I will finish the posts I was opening about in this post. I felt I needed to share my story and now felt like the right time. It would explain why I took a sabbatical.
Some topics I have been thinking of writing about was how I am eating more and enjoying the food. I feel like it is a huge part of my healing. Each time I try something new like Korean food for example. My heart feels like it is discovering something new. I also want to write reviews about books I have been reading. There is so much I want to share and now is the time to give a glimpse into my life. Feel free to email me your ideas. Also if you need a guest blogger let me know. Maybe we can help each other.
Until next time!
Recently I have come to realize how people really like no love me. It is humbling to hear such kind words spoken or written. Returning to the States was a dream I had most 2017. It was a rough journey to get my mind and body ready for the adjustment. The when and where I would live became the question each day. I remember asking my friend if she would be willing to take me in.
I really didn’t have a lot of choices at the time. I was a bundle of emotions not sure what I was feeling. Honestly I felt alone and unsure of the future. Would I ever see my son again? Would he even want to see me? 4 or 5 years was a long time. For me I was living in a caccoon healing from my emotional pain and wounds. I knew people cared about me, yet the memories of the past made me wonder if people would understand why I took a sabbatical.
Your over 21 became a phrase that I heard repeatedly. Yes of age but healing from emotional wounds that caused my mind to forget when I became too anxious. I started this blog to help me get back on my feet. The thoughts are real. They explain how I am dealing with feeling emotions again. Learning to love myself and enjoy the little things in life. Realizing yes I can do things if a person is patient enough to teach them to me.
The writing community on Twitter has become the basis of this post. They accept me and encourage me. I am so thankful for them. My friends that have been practically like my family have been a blessing to me. They give me this love that has me realize that I will get better in time. They suggest things and take the time to explain it to me so I can understand what is being said. Of course there is my mom who has been pushing me to get better and be self sufficient. Ready to remind me that God has a plan for me.
Did you miss me? Did you notice I wasn’t there? I remember many times when I would write someone and wait for a response.
These thoughts would run around in my head. Now, this post is going to be a roller coaster ride through my mind. So buckle up and hold on tight. Grab a box of kleenex because it might be needed at some points. That is right this will be that kind of post that is me trying to get what is in my head out on the screen. Ready, set, and away we go…
When I was married I lived in an extremely stressful and anxiety-ridden relationship. This was brought to my attention when I went to my counseling appointment. It was a few days before my anniversary of leaving my son’s father. Every year about this time I go through a mourning and anxious moment in my life. Was it real? Constantly would go through my mind. Sounds of cars and trucks backing up suddenly. The sounds of doors slamming. It all triggered fear in me. My body would cringe or jump at the slightest sound. Why are you scared? There is nobody here who would hurt you. My ears would hear the words yet the rest of me just wouldn’t believe it.
When I was in my job training class they taught us about good and bad stress. My heart raced at the thought. Even the word stress scares me. Life for me was a need to know basis and well I didn’t always get to know. Others were in the know, yet why wasn’t I?
I tell people who I used to be a confident woman who took care of herself and appearance. I didn’t worry about little things and loved the thought of doing something nice for myself. What happened? He happened. He tore me down with his words. Teased and insulted my family and looked at me as if I dare you to argue with that? How could I? I was afraid for my life and the child inside of me. I don’t mean my inner child. Yes, my son who was yet to be born. He grew in me as I tried to figure out what to do for our life.
Why am I telling my story now? Why not. I have had years to think about it. Days to draft it in my mind. Now its time to actually type out the words before my memory wipes itself clean until the next time I get the chance to try again. I lived with extreme stress and anxiety. The prize I got was Chronic PTSD. I am afraid. Afraid of everything. I was afraid to sleep in case my child needed me. Every time I apply for a job and the chance I get an interview or better yet the job I get scared. Will I be able to get there in time. Will they accept my sabbatical time I took to take care of me. Will my anxiety peek out and whisper to me? “Molly will you be able to take care of yourself or even your child?” With anxiety came depression. Depression brought either the lack of eating or eating more. Which is why I take medicine to help me sleep and the side effect I gain weight.
For the last couple of months, these things robbed me of summer dreams. I felt guilty and then couldn’t enjoy the little things. Would I have the money for that coffee? Should I buy the food I want to eat? Is that going to cause my stomach to flare and get gassy?
So I decided to post my work on Medium hoping maybe I could write and earn some money. My writings were all I had that didn’t cause that much anxiety. I earned 20 cents the first month. Wow, it was a start. So I didn’t really understand the rules so I kept thinking up stories and importing my best posts from here. I know that I have saved up money. People give me gifts too. But it is that darn anxiety that makes me think “You fool!”
So now you know what is going on in my head and where I have been. Do you still wonder about me? Do you care? I have thought about starting a Patreon or something else. I have applied for cashier positions or openings that I hope will get me something. Part of me wants to cry right now. Because I am bearing some huge things. I am lucky I have a friend who has been giving me a place to rest my head and a shoulder to cry on. She took me out yesterday so I could keep my mind off of the anniversary.
Signed sealed and delivered.
Mahlet Sebhat/Sara Gamachu
Do what you love…
I started today like any day checking my email and just trying to get my body going. Of course this is pre-coffee. The last few weeks I have been going to the dentist and taking care of my teeth. It’s a long time in coming trust me (not just the being abroad thing either.) Yesterday was my final filling of a two or four-part series. Considering that I have lost track should tell you something. Since I had time I decided to do things I needed to do doctor and dental appointments were just that needing to be done. Than of course scheduling in job search and possible interviews into that calendar. Yesterday I did an assessment for ones of those said jobs. Finally something I could do my mind and heart said.
Its been rough few weeks since my moods kept see sawing up and down. Lets say I did a lot of resting and sleeping in between things. I watched a few movies and shows on Netflix to help stimulate my mind. I decided there was hope for me after finally seeing Bridget Jones Baby. If she could do it than I should keep trying. With my support system cheering me on I have been trying to keep the depression at bay.
Just as I am determined to be healthy (even with achy teeth). I am doing my best to stick to the healthy stuff and try to take care of myself. Truth be damned I am walking and doing my steps daily. Somehow I have hit over 3,000 in some days. Can I get a wow!
So until next time you can find me on Twitter, interest, and of course here in the blogosphere. 😀
Stop thinking became the suggestion that most people have given me. So this is me just doing that. Each post I have written lately has just been thoughts coming out on the screen. I didn’t edit (other than spelling and grammar) and let my mind loose. Impulsively I let myself share my articles or posts that I have written in the past. I am just doing this so I can push away my depression. Yep folks I am telling it like it is. After getting let go my body went backwards for a few days and boy did I rest. I put myself aside and decided to put someone else first. That is how I battled my depression by not thinking bad about myself. Trust me that is the worst thing you could do to yourself. My coach suggested a hug dose of self-care would help me. So I gave in to the Carmel M &Ms that called to me from the grocery shelves. I found myself some dairy free yogurt and ice cream. I grabbed the kind of supplements that I knew I would take without making a :-p face. Yes I took the Alive gummy multivitamins.
I became this determined woman who was ready to get life going. I found as much optimistic tweet and retweeted them because I knew there were other people who were going through the same thing I was. I couldn’t give up. No way no how.
I would love to hear from you all. The comments box are open and you can tweet to me @SaraMahlet on Twitter. Lets talk about how we need to help each other out.
Traveling can broaden your horizons.
First one I wrote. It gave me the courage to get started.