Tag Archives: Dream

Lately

Would they understand the new me that wants to make a change.

Would they understand that I wanted to succeed in my life and goals.

A year ago I was dealing with traveling in a different country than what I grew up in.

People expected so much and I just couldn’t live up to the expectations.

It got to be so hard that I spent a lot of time in my room wondering dreaming of a life.

I wasn’t sure if I could succeed in whatever might come my way.

I used to dream about having my own place and just enjoying myself.

Having people over and just living life just as it would be.

I would feel awkward when people asked about my son.

What could I say… I hope so.

You might wonder why I have been so quiet and reserved about him.

Because he is innocently brought into this world.

I can’t remember a lot of things.  What my heart and mind allow I am thankful for each memory.

Snuggling up to me after school…. that is what I remember the most.

Patting my head in that special way to say I love you mom.

I am trying to find my confidence that I lost a long the way.

When asked about my American accent with an Ethiopian body… I just respond that my accent got lost along the way of the Atlantic Ocean during my travels abroad.

As I ponder the thought of turning another year older I wonder about those days.

Walking around the Seahurst Beach and wading my feet into the cold water.

One of the few moments I have on video is my son reliving those same memories.

Only my dad was trying to keep him from the water and get too wet on a fall day.

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Short Note about Dreams.

This week has been a long one. I really missed my son. I have had more nightmares than usual. Sometimes I can shake them off and fall back asleep. Then there are times I am wide awake for hours until sleep comes to me. I try to remember that I am in safe place where his words can’t hurt me. My family has really been patient with me. Especially during the times I want to emotionally give up. Normally I have some witty comeback when I felt hurt inside. Other times I want to cry and hide away in a room. It will be 3 weeks since my son went to visit his dad. People try to reassure me that he will love him and keep him safe. Than I wonder what about me? Why did I do to not get this love I shared with my son. I tell people ask me about our relationship that my only thing I did wrong was to be loyal to him. Towards the end I began to realize no matter how hard I cleaned the laundry he never said thank you. I never appreciated me for moving away from my family.  What hurt the most was he kept saying it was my job. If I didn’t like it I could go out and work. He made it sound like he could do a better job. I finally had enough of the hurtful jokes about my family. Plus I couldn’t wake up another morning wondering if this was it. I tried so hard til the end. The day he told me that I would have to get a part-time job so he could go back to school. I remember feeling so numb. I said sure no problem. In my heart I knew that it was not going to work. My son still needed me and his father was busy with work and I did most of the parenting.  That was when I talked with my mom to discuss my options. Yes I was the one that left, but after all that laundry and no appreciation I just couldn’t keep going down that road. My son looks at me as if I was a superhero. I cleaned dishes and the floor before 9 pm each night and snuggled on the couch til he fell asleep. Than I would put him in bed and put away folded laundry before his father came home. I was usually in bed with a book or my journal. Than fast asleep til I heard my son through the baby monitor announcing a new day. Yes at night these memories comeback to me. The good, bad, and ugly ones all rolled up in my dreams.

 

Dreams So Real (album)

Dreams So Real (album) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)