The new month came and I wasn’t quite sure what to do with it. I ended October eating chocolate and fending off anxiety from my job search. I went to my therapist appointment hoping that my heart could find something to ease my nerves. The depression and anxiety were pushing me to points that made me forget how far I had come. After publishing Wounds are Wounds my heart felt at peace. I needed to tell my story and reach out to people. I didn’t want to sit twiddling my thumbs and wondering if I was doing anything good. My therapist asked me how I was doing. I thought about it and realized I was actually doing well. I talked about how proud of I was of writing and sharing my story. Finally giving life to what my heart had been aching about for several years. I decided to take some time to find a way to feel good about myself and how far I had come. We did an exercise that was supposed to help me feel mindful of things. In my mind and heart, I decided yes I was ready to take the next step in my healing. Honestly, I wasn’t quite sure what that step was. But I took my inner child by the hand and said okay let’s do it.
That was 13 days ago. I decided after my appointment that I would give myself permission to ask for help when I needed it. Whether it took time to be with my cousin whom I had never really met since we grew up in different countries. She and I were several years apart, yet living very similar lives. Our children are a year apart coincidently. She had invited me to come and stay a few days with her and her daughter. I said sure when I got a spare moment. That spare moment came last week and well I took it. Like most of my relatives, she wanted me to rest and enjoy the break. Honestly, that was something I was not used to. My mind kept saying do this don’t do that. Just sitting and reading a book or watching Gordon Ramsey’s Hell’s Kitchen was something I felt like I needed to do. I just needed to breathe.
Two weeks have gone by since I started this post. Several changes have happened. A job that I applied for called me for a screening interview. It was my dream job being a receptionist at the local H&R Block. I didn’t mind that it would be a temporary seasonal position. It would be near our apartment and within walking distance. My heart jumped for joy just to be picked. All the long hours of applying and waiting for a call back was getting to be difficult. Several of the positions were emailing me and saying that they were going with someone else. I had been talking to my cousin and also my roommate about how it was getting to be difficult to be turned down several times. I started to think twice about my skills. So that was why I started putting my attention towards other activities like watching shows I hadn’t seen in a while and reading books. I wanted to enjoy the little things in life and hope for the best. My goal was to be working or have an interview by Halloween.
It was after that when I realized that I was putting too much energy into it and being anxious about it. The day first was my therapy appointment and got a chance to express my thoughts and concerns to my therapist. It was then that she showed me the Calm app and I decided to give the meditation option a try. For several mornings I would try the free sessions and kept my self on a strict regimen. Whenever I got anxious I would put something on to help me find my center and help myself. For 3 weeks I did this exercise. I felt my body start to relax and my mind ease through things. As applications went out I kept my mind still and positive. There were days that I was cooking dinner and washing dishes. Reminding myself about how I would be celebrating my first year back.
It was around the milestone that I got the screening call for the receptionist position. In my heart, I couldn’t see myself working in retail again especially with the holidays coming up. I just wanted to be in an office and using my customer service skills in a totally different environment. I kept looking at my Indeed App at the jobs applied. Hoping that the next phone call or email would be an opportunity in the making. When I got the call I calmly answered the questions and I felt my confidence soaring. Then getting the request for an in-person interview was the confidence boost I needed. For the first time in a long time, I went to the interview calmly without feeling nervousness. My mind felt like an elementary school student getting picked to play on a team. I decided whatever happened I would do my best and let things just happen. Let my actions and resume do the talking. I can tell you that it went well and was told that I would hear something within the week. A week ago today I got the call that hey wanted to move forward with me and if I was still interested. I calmly said yes and I am waiting to hear about the next step.
One of the things I have learned this month was how much I was trying to get myself better and at the same pace as my peers. I have to be honest that is very exhausting. I didn’t look at how far I had come in the past year. I mean not only did I make up my mind to return back to America after taking a break to find myself. I need to praise myself for publishing a piece online that many people have been complimenting me about. I took a training course to help me brush up my customer service skills and completed it. I worked two jobs and learned how to get around Mill Creek and Everett. That is a lot to accomplish in a short time.
You might be wondering what I have planned next for December. Well, this time I am just going to do my best and not plan too much. I figured that way I won’t feel disappointed if things don’t work out.
My head is still spinning from the excitement that my piece being published on the Black Girls Create website. I have been trying to apply for jobs left and right. Many didn’t make it to an interview. My heart would drop when I realized things were just not working out. So, as usual, I started doing things to distract myself from the pressure. Listening to music, washing dishes, doing laundry, watching shows on Netflix, and of courses reading and writing. Since arriving in Eastern Washington I joined a crochet group so I could learn a new hobby. Got to keep my hands busy right?
I started a post about my past with the plan to clear my mind and give my heart a rest from the memories that have started coming back. It was about the time of the Supreme Court nomination when it began. Hearing stories about abuse and harassment started striking a nerve. My heart started racing as the thoughts came bursting in my head. It got to be hard to deal with things because it triggers some of the depressive thoughts. Of course, that connected to me wondering if I would get a job. My friend had to explain how I was one of many people competing for the position. So in a way my competitive juices began. It became one of the many feelings I started having since I got back in November. It’s not easy to have been gone or taking a break just to get back on my feet. So I decided I would do my best and keep plugging in.
Its been a few days since I started this post. I took a few days to rest my mind and balance my emotions. I was feeling this overload of emotion ranging from joy to exhaustion. This was only the second piece that I wrote under my full name, Mahlet Sebhat. It gave me this hope that things might be changing. The only feeling I could compare this to was after I gave birth to my son. I remember soon after I came after they needed to sew me back up. I was excited, scared, and tired. Most of all I was proud that I was able to do the single thing that I prepared myself physically and emotionally for several months.
Since we arrived in Cheney I was not sure how to act. Sure I have moved several times in my life. Some I remember others I wasn’t actually part of the physical moving. Do I put things in boxes? How do I put the box together? Can I lift it down the 3 floors of stairs of the Everett place? All these thoughts jumbled up in my mind. What is going to happen once we arrived in Cheney? Would I fit in? How in the world do I put a room together? It had been ages since I had a room of my own with things of mine. Sure it was not a lot of stuff. Would I be able to find a job? How about a doctor? Is there a therapist I could find who would help me with my healing journey?
Well, it has been a month since we arrived. I have not only set up my room. It has all the comforts that I need from a bed to a dresser for my clothes. I was lucky that my aunt had a dresser that she didn’t need. It came at just the right time. Within a few weeks, I got my medical information updated and found a doctor and therapist. My next appointment with the latter is coming up. Now if only I can find a job. Lately, I took the nontraditional route as I continued to apply for jobs. I import my blog posts to Medium and write. My piece on Black Girls Create is an example of this. I decided that I just can’t give up. I have to keep going until something comes up. At some point this week I will finish the posts I was opening about in this post. I felt I needed to share my story and now felt like the right time. It would explain why I took a sabbatical.
Some topics I have been thinking of writing about was how I am eating more and enjoying the food. I feel like it is a huge part of my healing. Each time I try something new like Korean food for example. My heart feels like it is discovering something new. I also want to write reviews about books I have been reading. There is so much I want to share and now is the time to give a glimpse into my life. Feel free to email me your ideas. Also if you need a guest blogger let me know. Maybe we can help each other.
I realized somethings from the post that I wrote earlier on my other blog . For example I have watched the first episode of the second season of Agents of Shield on Netflix. The character of Fitz was going through a new stage in his life. He had begun stuttering and trying to find words and Simmons character was helping him. It than shocked me… I was watching myself after I had gotten back into society. I was trying to find the words to describe my life before and during my trip. I was telling my friend about little bits and pieces of what I saw just so she could understand what I was coming from. I was Fitz and he was my hero!
I originally wanted the title for the post to be Like a child inside of a candy store. Because lately I have tried so many different things and in time my body got so overwhelmed by the new sights and sounds that it needed to figure out how to let it melt into my body and senses. Cheese, salad dressing, and flavored water just to name a few came into my reach. On a weekend that I visited my family I got a small container of Tillamook Ice Cream Sweet Cream flavored. It was so good that I ate the whole thing in one sitting. These were things that I had been missing and began enjoying immediately. In my mind I was afraid I would not get a chance so I went ahead and in my ice creams case gobbled it up.
That is why I wanted to write this morning. To let people into my world and see how my healing process in action. Plus I have started sharing some of the pictures from my trip on Instagram that immediately shows on my Facebook page and Twitter. It has given me the chance to show the world these new skills that I am using to explain what is in my mind, heart, and soul.
My blog gets me. It truly does. It celebrates with me silently as my Twitter followers grow. Last year I was hoping and praying that some change would come. I worked hard to promote and do what I couldn’t do in the current environment. Make a name for myself. I dreamed of exporting my first blog over to this one so I wouldn’t feel guilty of writing on this one instead of that one. Alas that isn’t happening soon. Oh well at least I tried.
I like my new medical team that is building itself around me. Going to see a counselor would help me deeply with things. I openly write and talk about my anxiety, depression, and stress. They are my strengths that make me want to make myself better, they are my weaknesses when I can’t understand things as they seem harder, they are my tools when things are confusing. They are a part of me that will ultimately change my whole being.
I have watched a whole season of Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.LD. on Netflix. I decided if I need to understand the empowerment thing I need to watch it in action. So far I am relating to most of the characters in some shape or form. If I can achieve May than I think that would be a breakthrough. I was not happy with how Ward’s character has turned on the team. It leads me to wonder if that is how some people are in real life. Do they want to seem like they love or care about you but just end up hurting you? Something to think about reader.
I have been reading Kimberly Rae Miller’s Coming Clean on my Kindle App. Oh sister can you read my mind. I feel like she is speaking to me in a way I can totally understand. Reader I occasionally per take the thought that I help so many, but unsure about helping myself. Will my tombstone read “She loved too much.” If so what kind of life is that. Posting on my blog is a way I can communicate my thoughts without fear. It is also giving permission to my silent ADD to give it a chance to speak its mind and say things I would never think about saying out loud. I even had someone question me about if I had it. My answer was I recalled getting diagnosed in my early twenties. The energy that goes through me and comes out when I get too excited now that is my tool of ADD.
My dream someday is write a book or e-book that tells how I have made a difference in my life by beating the odds that have been set in front of me. If I can make some money that would be fun. Until then I have the safety of my blog to share my adventures and slowly recover all that life throws at me.
Between managing my two blogs and serving (see my tweets @SaraMahlet) I am taking time to rest not only physically but emotionally. I share various posts so I can give others a chance in the spotlight. I want to encourage people that things do improve and not give up trying.
Several people let me know that they read my Facebook posts and even my blogs. Many didn’t realize I had a lot to say through the written word. I want to emphasize subjects that need to be recognized globally. Give awareness to those linked with mental illness and other situations. It is not a taboo but a reality. Depression, anxiety, and body image to name a few. I get emotional about people who are snubbed for their personal beliefs or preferences. When I say blessings, it is for everyone Muslim, Christian, Hindu, Judaism, and Buddhists to name a few. I mean EVERYONE!
Since being in Ethiopia I have seen things that make me think twice about society. In my imagination, I see Iron Man, Captain America, Batman, Wonder Woman visiting these children and showing the world cares for the forgotten. What about Messi and his football chums these children would just feel awe seeing their heroes in person. Here is a leap of faith… The Rock, John Cena, and the WWE would get a royal welcome from their fans here.
Yes, this is the princess asking the world to remember these people risking their lives daily to change their own lives and their families. I could have been them if I didn’t have the opportunities I was given.
The X-FilesRecently, over brunch with my old friend from high school, Caitlyn, I found myself blathering on about my love for the show The X-Files. It had been a favorite of mine as a teen when it first aired, and I’d just started re-watching it, obsessively, during a week-long “stay-cation”. I had other plans for…
God & Man1. Identify how your pain serves you. Nobody consistently self-sabotages without reason. The patterns and habits that you feel “stuck” in meet some kind of need. If you can’t let go of negativity, it’s because you are secretly using it for something. 2. Work on your ability to visualize. The only way to…