Tag Archives: inspiration

The day after.

My head is still spinning from the excitement that my piece being published on the Black Girls Create website.  I have been trying to apply for jobs left and right.  Many didn’t make it to an interview.  My heart would drop when I realized things were just not working out.  So, as usual, I started doing things to distract myself from the pressure.  Listening to music, washing dishes, doing laundry, watching shows on Netflix, and of courses reading and writing.  Since arriving in Eastern Washington I joined a crochet group so I could learn a new hobby.  Got to keep my hands busy right?

I started a post about my past with the plan to clear my mind and give my heart a rest from the memories that have started coming back.  It was about the time of the Supreme Court nomination when it began.  Hearing stories about abuse and harassment started striking a nerve.  My heart started racing as the thoughts came bursting in my head.  It got to be hard to deal with things because it triggers some of the depressive thoughts.  Of course, that connected to me wondering if I would get a job.  My friend had to explain how I was one of many people competing for the position.  So in a way my competitive juices began.  It became one of the many feelings I started having since I got back in November.  It’s not easy to have been gone or taking a break just to get back on my feet.  So I decided I would do my best and keep plugging in.


Its been a few days since I started this post.  I took a few days to rest my mind and balance my emotions.  I was feeling this overload of emotion ranging from joy to exhaustion.  This was only the second piece that I wrote under my full name, Mahlet Sebhat.  It gave me this hope that things might be changing.  The only feeling I could compare this to was after I gave birth to my son.  I remember soon after I came after they needed to sew me back up.  I was excited, scared, and tired.  Most of all I was proud that I was able to do the single thing that I prepared myself physically and emotionally for several months.

Since we arrived in Cheney I was not sure how to act.  Sure I have moved several times in my life.  Some I remember others I wasn’t actually part of the physical moving.  Do I put things in boxes?  How do I put the box together?  Can I lift it down the 3 floors of stairs of the Everett place?  All these thoughts jumbled up in my mind. What is going to happen once we arrived in Cheney?  Would I fit in?  How in the world do I put a room together?  It had been ages since I had a room of my own with things of mine.  Sure it was not a lot of stuff.  Would I be able to find a job?  How about a doctor?  Is there a therapist I could find who would help me with my healing journey?

Well, it has been a month since we arrived.  I have not only set up my room.  It has all the comforts that I need from a bed to a dresser for my clothes.  I was lucky that my aunt had a dresser that she didn’t need.  It came at just the right time.  Within a few weeks, I got my medical information updated and found a doctor and therapist.  My next appointment with the latter is coming up.  Now if only I can find a job.  Lately, I took the nontraditional route as I continued to apply for jobs.  I import my blog posts to Medium and write.  My piece on Black Girls Create is an example of this.  I decided that I just can’t give up.  I have to keep going until something comes up.  At some point this week I will finish the posts I was opening about in this post.  I felt I needed to share my story and now felt like the right time.  It would explain why I took a sabbatical.

Some topics I have been thinking of writing about was how I am eating more and enjoying the food.  I feel like it is a huge part of my healing.  Each time I try something new like Korean food for example.  My heart feels like it is discovering something new.  I also want to write reviews about books I have been reading.  There is so much I want to share and now is the time to give a glimpse into my life.  Feel free to email me your ideas.  Also if you need a guest blogger let me know.  Maybe we can help each other.

Until next time!

Mahlet

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Accepting things… when you want something so badly.

Dear Readers:

Did you miss me?  Did you notice I wasn’t there?  I remember many times when I would write someone and wait for a response. 

These thoughts would run around in my head.  Now, this post is going to be a roller coaster ride through my mind.  So buckle up and hold on tight.  Grab a box of kleenex because it might be needed at some points.  That is right this will be that kind of post that is me trying to get what is in my head out on the screen.  Ready, set, and away we go…

When I was married I lived in an extremely stressful and anxiety-ridden relationship.  This was brought to my attention when I went to my counseling appointment.  It was a few days before my anniversary of leaving my son’s father.  Every year about this time I go through a mourning and anxious moment in my life.  Was it real?  Constantly would go through my mind.  Sounds of cars and trucks backing up suddenly.  The sounds of doors slamming.  It all triggered fear in me.  My body would cringe or jump at the slightest sound.  Why are you scared?  There is nobody here who would hurt you.  My ears would hear the words yet the rest of me just wouldn’t believe it.

When I was in my job training class they taught us about good and bad stress.  My heart raced at the thought.  Even the word stress scares me.  Life for me was a need to know basis and well I didn’t always get to know.  Others were in the know, yet why wasn’t I?

I tell people who I used to be a confident woman who took care of herself and appearance.  I didn’t worry about little things and loved the thought of doing something nice for myself.  What happened?  He happened.  He tore me down with his words.  Teased and insulted my family and looked at me as if I dare you to argue with that?  How could I?  I was afraid for my life and the child inside of me.  I don’t mean my inner child.  Yes, my son who was yet to be born.  He grew in me as I tried to figure out what to do for our life.

Why am I telling my story now?  Why not.  I have had years to think about it.  Days to draft it in my mind.  Now its time to actually type out the words before my memory wipes itself clean until the next time I get the chance to try again.  I lived with extreme stress and anxiety.  The prize I got was Chronic PTSD.  I am afraid. Afraid of everything.  I was afraid to sleep in case my child needed me.  Every time I apply for a job and the chance I get an interview or better yet the job I get scared.  Will I be able to get there in time.  Will they accept my sabbatical time I took to take care of me.  Will my anxiety peek out and whisper to me?  “Molly will you be able to take care of yourself or even your child?”  With anxiety came depression.  Depression brought either the lack of eating or eating more.  Which is why I take medicine to help me sleep and the side effect I gain weight.

For the last couple of months, these things robbed me of summer dreams.   I felt guilty and then couldn’t enjoy the little things.  Would I have the money for that coffee?  Should I buy the food I want to eat?  Is that going to cause my stomach to flare and get gassy?

So I decided to post my work on Medium hoping maybe I could write and earn some money.  My writings were all I had that didn’t cause that much anxiety.  I earned 20 cents the first month.  Wow, it was a start.  So I didn’t really understand the rules so I kept thinking up stories and importing my best posts from here.  I know that I have saved up money.  People give me gifts too.  But it is that darn anxiety that makes me think “You fool!”

So now you know what is going on in my head and where I have been.  Do you still wonder about me?  Do you care?  I have thought about starting a Patreon or something else.  I have applied for cashier positions or openings that I hope will get me something.  Part of me wants to cry right now.  Because I am bearing some huge things.  I am lucky I have a friend who has been giving me a place to rest my head and a shoulder to cry on.  She took me out yesterday so I could keep my mind off of the anniversary.

Signed sealed and delivered.

Mahlet Sebhat/Sara Gamachu

Monday Thoughts: Its okay to ask for help.

Its the first Monday in July and my heart was a flutter.  What all could I do to improve myself.  Well first on my mind was to make a few calls that I decided to put off to today what I couldn’t do last Friday.  My mind told me it was probably going to be a long weekend since a holiday was coming up.  I suddenly realized it would be my first 4th of July back in the States.  Wow the last time I did this was back in 2013.

I didn’t allow myself to feel bad that I couldn’t really remember the last time.  My memory was a little hazy with the medicine I had been taking to help with my anxiety at that time.  I knew that my son was with me and it would be our first and last holiday together in a very long time.  I recalled the year before how I was trying to blow up his swimming accessory tube so he could go playing in the pool with his cousin.  As hard as I blew it just wouldn’t do it.  I finally asked his father to help since my breath was not strong enough.  I knew as this memory taunted me I felt the anger that I couldn’t do something as simple as that.  Than I had to tell myself that it wasn’t my fault that I did try and that took guts.  Remember Molly you did as for help.  It wasn’t your fault that you were taunted for not being able to do something.

Just asking for help is a huge thing reader.  Just think how many people actually ask for help when they know they can’t do something.  As yourself that next time someone asks you to help them.

Fast forward to today.  I knew the last few weeks had been hard for me.  I was lucky I had a support group who recognized when I needed help.  Just raising your hand or making that phone call to get a specialist that takes courage from the person.  They are their to answer your question.  There is no stupid questions.  That is what so many people have told me.  I just had to trust myself to have the courage to say, “Excuse me do you have my current information on file?”  It can mean less embarrassment or anxiety when you go to that appointment.

Thank you for reading and that is my thought for Monday, July 2nd 2018.

 

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Take a deep breath and just dream. An entry from Sara’s Thoughts.

I started this a few days ago and decided to just put it on hold for when I could write it the only way I could or would be able to.

 

A year ago I was walking around my little walkabout in Holeta wondering what it would be like to get back to the States.  I kept reminding myself that yes it could happen.  Just didn’t know when.  I knew I would have some hurdles to jump over like where would I stay, what would I do, and mainly how to get the help that I need.  I knew from past experiences that ADD was my friend and Stress and Anxiety were my reminders.  They were like sisters that wanted to help me but needed to be provided in the right direction.  Yes, they reminded me of what I could and could not do.  They also taught me how to dream.  All the things I could wish to do like cook, take care of myself, and naturally see my son again in some way.

Since then I took my steps towards my healing.  Getting signed up for help from the State to get food, medical, and other things I didn’t even think of.  I then enrolled in a job training program that helped awaken my retail memories in various steps.  After the few jobs that I have had this year, I realized something.  I was not the type that could sell things.  I could suggest them and give tips.  I was more comfortable being the support staff.  At the spa, I realized the scanning information became something I could do.  Entering the information was another thing that gave me joy.  “Would you like tea or water?”  Making the coconut water in the morning went from a step by step motion to something that became naturally.

Now I am back at my drawing board deciding what my next venture would be.  I knew for sure a desk job would be ideal.  Work in an office environment would be wonderful because I would be using my office skills.  My Worksource case manager and several others are giving me lead on where to apply.  I am just thinking through and picturing myself in each scenario to see if it would be the right place for me.

If there is one thing about me that you might have noticed is that I don’t give up so easily.  I may take time to think (or over-think I admit) things through.  It would save me and others time to make sure the choice is a right one.

June 16th marked 7 years posting on WordPress.

How is it that when anniversaries come by sometimes the mind doesn’t realize it.  But when someone acknowledges it the difference it makes in a person is tremendous.  Last night as I was working on my training my whole mind went to the Reader Notification on my blog.  I had seen the badge for my anniversary the day before but it didn’t hit me.  I wanted to do some big post saying how proud of myself for such a milestone.  But my mind was hyper-focused on my goal of finishing my training.  I had been at my job for a year and doing on the job training but didn’t do my webinars.  So I told myself “Molly do you want this badly?”  Of course I said yes.  So I decided this was what I needed to do.  I was putting the oxygen mask on my face and taking in the deep breaths.  I knew I needed more training not just on the job but extra so my mind could understand what was going on.  So that was that.  I decided I would do whatever it took listening to the YouTube videos at night and doing the demos during the weekend.

You know what it was as if the light bulb went on and I had a Oprah “Ah Ha” moment.  It was amazing.  I remember last year I made it my goal to have more than a thousand followers on Twitter.  I wanted to promote my blogs and reach more people.  I worked my butt off trying to understand how others did it and do it my own way.  Today I have over 2k following me on Twitter.

Life is not easy when you have memory difficulties.  You have to find a different way to help you do the most simple things.  I use my phone to schedule appointments and set up things.  I make sure I get notifications and reminders the day before and day of.  I knew without that I would be lost and not able to keep up with everyone else.

Before my mom left she made me promise I would do whatever it took to get better and improve myself.  Living with anxiety is a lot of work.  I have to turn of the thoughts in my head that or put blockers that tell me that I can’t do something.

Thank you WordPress for giving me the wings to soar.  This butterfly is learning to soar with the eagles. 🙂

 

Cheers!

Lately

Would they understand the new me that wants to make a change.

Would they understand that I wanted to succeed in my life and goals.

A year ago I was dealing with traveling in a different country than what I grew up in.

People expected so much and I just couldn’t live up to the expectations.

It got to be so hard that I spent a lot of time in my room wondering dreaming of a life.

I wasn’t sure if I could succeed in whatever might come my way.

I used to dream about having my own place and just enjoying myself.

Having people over and just living life just as it would be.

I would feel awkward when people asked about my son.

What could I say… I hope so.

You might wonder why I have been so quiet and reserved about him.

Because he is innocently brought into this world.

I can’t remember a lot of things.  What my heart and mind allow I am thankful for each memory.

Snuggling up to me after school…. that is what I remember the most.

Patting my head in that special way to say I love you mom.

I am trying to find my confidence that I lost a long the way.

When asked about my American accent with an Ethiopian body… I just respond that my accent got lost along the way of the Atlantic Ocean during my travels abroad.

As I ponder the thought of turning another year older I wonder about those days.

Walking around the Seahurst Beach and wading my feet into the cold water.

One of the few moments I have on video is my son reliving those same memories.

Only my dad was trying to keep him from the water and get too wet on a fall day.

More thoughts from Molly.

I realized somethings from the post that I wrote earlier on my other blog .  For example I have watched the first episode of the second season of Agents of Shield on Netflix.  The character of Fitz was going through a new stage in his life.  He had begun stuttering and trying to find words and Simmons character was helping him.  It than shocked me… I was watching myself after I had gotten back into society.  I was trying to find the words to describe my life before and during my trip.  I was telling my friend about little bits and pieces of what I saw just so she could understand what I was coming from.  I was Fitz and he was my hero!

I originally wanted the title for the post to be Like a child inside of a candy store.  Because lately I have tried so many different things and in time my body got so overwhelmed by the new sights and sounds that it needed to figure out how to let it melt into my body and senses.  Cheese, salad dressing, and flavored water just to name a few came into my reach.  On a weekend that I visited my family I got a small container of Tillamook Ice Cream Sweet Cream flavored.  It was so good that I ate the whole thing in one sitting.  These were things that I had been missing and began enjoying immediately.  In my mind I was afraid I would not get a chance so I went ahead and in my ice creams case gobbled it up.

That is why I wanted to write this morning.  To let people into my world and see how my healing process in action.  Plus I have started sharing some of the pictures from my trip on Instagram that immediately shows on my Facebook page and Twitter.  It has given me the chance to show the world these new skills that I am using to explain what is in my mind, heart, and soul.