Monday Thoughts: Its okay to ask for help.

Its the first Monday in July and my heart was a flutter.  What all could I do to improve myself.  Well first on my mind was to make a few calls that I decided to put off to today what I couldn’t do last Friday.  My mind told me it was probably going to be a long weekend since a holiday was coming up.  I suddenly realized it would be my first 4th of July back in the States.  Wow the last time I did this was back in 2013.

I didn’t allow myself to feel bad that I couldn’t really remember the last time.  My memory was a little hazy with the medicine I had been taking to help with my anxiety at that time.  I knew that my son was with me and it would be our first and last holiday together in a very long time.  I recalled the year before how I was trying to blow up his swimming accessory tube so he could go playing in the pool with his cousin.  As hard as I blew it just wouldn’t do it.  I finally asked his father to help since my breath was not strong enough.  I knew as this memory taunted me I felt the anger that I couldn’t do something as simple as that.  Than I had to tell myself that it wasn’t my fault that I did try and that took guts.  Remember Molly you did as for help.  It wasn’t your fault that you were taunted for not being able to do something.

Just asking for help is a huge thing reader.  Just think how many people actually ask for help when they know they can’t do something.  As yourself that next time someone asks you to help them.

Fast forward to today.  I knew the last few weeks had been hard for me.  I was lucky I had a support group who recognized when I needed help.  Just raising your hand or making that phone call to get a specialist that takes courage from the person.  They are their to answer your question.  There is no stupid questions.  That is what so many people have told me.  I just had to trust myself to have the courage to say, “Excuse me do you have my current information on file?”  It can mean less embarrassment or anxiety when you go to that appointment.

Thank you for reading and that is my thought for Monday, July 2nd 2018.

 

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Take a deep breath and just dream. An entry from Sara’s Thoughts.

I started this a few days ago and decided to just put it on hold for when I could write it the only way I could or would be able to.

 

A year ago I was walking around my little walkabout in Holeta wondering what it would be like to get back to the States.  I kept reminding myself that yes it could happen.  Just didn’t know when.  I knew I would have some hurdles to jump over like where would I stay, what would I do, and mainly how to get the help that I need.  I knew from past experiences that ADD was my friend and Stress and Anxiety were my reminders.  They were like sisters that wanted to help me but needed to be provided in the right direction.  Yes, they reminded me of what I could and could not do.  They also taught me how to dream.  All the things I could wish to do like cook, take care of myself, and naturally see my son again in some way.

Since then I took my steps towards my healing.  Getting signed up for help from the State to get food, medical, and other things I didn’t even think of.  I then enrolled in a job training program that helped awaken my retail memories in various steps.  After the few jobs that I have had this year, I realized something.  I was not the type that could sell things.  I could suggest them and give tips.  I was more comfortable being the support staff.  At the spa, I realized the scanning information became something I could do.  Entering the information was another thing that gave me joy.  “Would you like tea or water?”  Making the coconut water in the morning went from a step by step motion to something that became naturally.

Now I am back at my drawing board deciding what my next venture would be.  I knew for sure a desk job would be ideal.  Work in an office environment would be wonderful because I would be using my office skills.  My Worksource case manager and several others are giving me lead on where to apply.  I am just thinking through and picturing myself in each scenario to see if it would be the right place for me.

If there is one thing about me that you might have noticed is that I don’t give up so easily.  I may take time to think (or over-think I admit) things through.  It would save me and others time to make sure the choice is a right one.

Lately

Would they understand the new me that wants to make a change.

Would they understand that I wanted to succeed in my life and goals.

A year ago I was dealing with traveling in a different country than what I grew up in.

People expected so much and I just couldn’t live up to the expectations.

It got to be so hard that I spent a lot of time in my room wondering dreaming of a life.

I wasn’t sure if I could succeed in whatever might come my way.

I used to dream about having my own place and just enjoying myself.

Having people over and just living life just as it would be.

I would feel awkward when people asked about my son.

What could I say… I hope so.

You might wonder why I have been so quiet and reserved about him.

Because he is innocently brought into this world.

I can’t remember a lot of things.  What my heart and mind allow I am thankful for each memory.

Snuggling up to me after school…. that is what I remember the most.

Patting my head in that special way to say I love you mom.

I am trying to find my confidence that I lost a long the way.

When asked about my American accent with an Ethiopian body… I just respond that my accent got lost along the way of the Atlantic Ocean during my travels abroad.

As I ponder the thought of turning another year older I wonder about those days.

Walking around the Seahurst Beach and wading my feet into the cold water.

One of the few moments I have on video is my son reliving those same memories.

Only my dad was trying to keep him from the water and get too wet on a fall day.

More thoughts from Molly.

I realized somethings from the post that I wrote earlier on my other blog .  For example I have watched the first episode of the second season of Agents of Shield on Netflix.  The character of Fitz was going through a new stage in his life.  He had begun stuttering and trying to find words and Simmons character was helping him.  It than shocked me… I was watching myself after I had gotten back into society.  I was trying to find the words to describe my life before and during my trip.  I was telling my friend about little bits and pieces of what I saw just so she could understand what I was coming from.  I was Fitz and he was my hero!

I originally wanted the title for the post to be Like a child inside of a candy store.  Because lately I have tried so many different things and in time my body got so overwhelmed by the new sights and sounds that it needed to figure out how to let it melt into my body and senses.  Cheese, salad dressing, and flavored water just to name a few came into my reach.  On a weekend that I visited my family I got a small container of Tillamook Ice Cream Sweet Cream flavored.  It was so good that I ate the whole thing in one sitting.  These were things that I had been missing and began enjoying immediately.  In my mind I was afraid I would not get a chance so I went ahead and in my ice creams case gobbled it up.

That is why I wanted to write this morning.  To let people into my world and see how my healing process in action.  Plus I have started sharing some of the pictures from my trip on Instagram that immediately shows on my Facebook page and Twitter.  It has given me the chance to show the world these new skills that I am using to explain what is in my mind, heart, and soul.

The safety of my blog.

My blog gets me.  It truly does.  It celebrates with me silently as my Twitter followers grow.  Last year I was hoping and praying that some change would come. I worked hard to promote and do what I couldn’t do in the current environment.  Make a name for myself. I dreamed of exporting my first blog over to this one so I wouldn’t feel guilty of writing on this one instead of that one.  Alas that isn’t happening soon.  Oh well at least I tried.

I like my new medical team that is building itself around me.  Going to see a counselor would help me deeply with things.  I openly write and talk about my anxiety, depression, and stress.  They are my strengths that make me want to make myself better, they are my weaknesses when I can’t understand things as they seem harder, they are my tools when things are confusing.  They are a part of me that will ultimately change my whole being.

I have watched a whole season of Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.LD. on Netflix.  I decided if I need to understand the empowerment thing I need to watch it in action.  So far I am relating to most of the characters in some shape or form.  If I can achieve May than I think that would be a breakthrough.  I was not happy with how Ward’s character has turned on the team.  It leads me to wonder if that is how some people are in real life.  Do they want to seem like they love or care about you but just end up hurting you?  Something to think about reader.

I have been reading Kimberly Rae Miller’s Coming Clean on my Kindle App.  Oh sister can you read my mind.  I feel like she is speaking to me in a way I can totally understand.  Reader I occasionally per take the thought that I help so many, but unsure about helping myself.  Will my tombstone read “She loved too much.”  If so what kind of life is that.  Posting on my blog is a way I can communicate my thoughts without fear.  It is also giving permission to my silent ADD to give it a chance to speak its mind and say things I would never think about saying out loud.  I even had someone question me about if I had it.  My answer was I recalled getting diagnosed in my early twenties.  The energy that goes through me and comes out when I get too excited now that is my tool of ADD.

My dream someday is write a book or e-book that tells how I have made a difference in my life by beating the odds that have been set in front of me.  If I can make some money that would be fun.  Until then I have the safety of my blog to share my adventures and slowly recover all that life throws at me.

 

The end… for now.