I started this a few days ago and decided to just put it on hold for when I could write it the only way I could or would be able to.
A year ago I was walking around my little walkabout in Holeta wondering what it would be like to get back to the States. I kept reminding myself that yes it could happen. Just didn’t know when. I knew I would have some hurdles to jump over like where would I stay, what would I do, and mainly how to get the help that I need. I knew from past experiences that ADD was my friend and Stress and Anxiety were my reminders. They were like sisters that wanted to help me but needed to be provided in the right direction. Yes, they reminded me of what I could and could not do. They also taught me how to dream. All the things I could wish to do like cook, take care of myself, and naturally see my son again in some way.
Since then I took my steps towards my healing. Getting signed up for help from the State to get food, medical, and other things I didn’t even think of. I then enrolled in a job training program that helped awaken my retail memories in various steps. After the few jobs that I have had this year, I realized something. I was not the type that could sell things. I could suggest them and give tips. I was more comfortable being the support staff. At the spa, I realized the scanning information became something I could do. Entering the information was another thing that gave me joy. “Would you like tea or water?” Making the coconut water in the morning went from a step by step motion to something that became naturally.
Now I am back at my drawing board deciding what my next venture would be. I knew for sure a desk job would be ideal. Work in an office environment would be wonderful because I would be using my office skills. My Worksource case manager and several others are giving me lead on where to apply. I am just thinking through and picturing myself in each scenario to see if it would be the right place for me.
If there is one thing about me that you might have noticed is that I don’t give up so easily. I may take time to think (or over-think I admit) things through. It would save me and others time to make sure the choice is a right one.
How is it that when anniversaries come by sometimes the mind doesn’t realize it. But when someone acknowledges it the difference it makes in a person is tremendous. Last night as I was working on my training my whole mind went to the Reader Notification on my blog. I had seen the badge for my anniversary the day before but it didn’t hit me. I wanted to do some big post saying how proud of myself for such a milestone. But my mind was hyper-focused on my goal of finishing my training. I had been at my job for a year and doing on the job training but didn’t do my webinars. So I told myself “Molly do you want this badly?” Of course I said yes. So I decided this was what I needed to do. I was putting the oxygen mask on my face and taking in the deep breaths. I knew I needed more training not just on the job but extra so my mind could understand what was going on. So that was that. I decided I would do whatever it took listening to the YouTube videos at night and doing the demos during the weekend.
You know what it was as if the light bulb went on and I had a Oprah “Ah Ha” moment. It was amazing. I remember last year I made it my goal to have more than a thousand followers on Twitter. I wanted to promote my blogs and reach more people. I worked my butt off trying to understand how others did it and do it my own way. Today I have over 2k following me on Twitter.
Life is not easy when you have memory difficulties. You have to find a different way to help you do the most simple things. I use my phone to schedule appointments and set up things. I make sure I get notifications and reminders the day before and day of. I knew without that I would be lost and not able to keep up with everyone else.
Before my mom left she made me promise I would do whatever it took to get better and improve myself. Living with anxiety is a lot of work. I have to turn of the thoughts in my head that or put blockers that tell me that I can’t do something.
Thank you WordPress for giving me the wings to soar. This butterfly is learning to soar with the eagles. 🙂
Hello everybody reading this:
I had been over thinking about this one for a few weeks. My energy that I put into my Facebook page was overwhelming. I realized as much as I added not a lot came back. Then I started to wonder if I was spamming too much. So I finally made the decision to pull the plug on the page. I just couldn’t handle all the thoughts coming at me. So with sadness I am saying goodbye to Sara Gamachu, blogger page on Facebook. She was liked by 46 people and many shared her posts or picture links.
There I have that out-of-the-way. Now onto the next thought about mahaleta98.wordpress.com. How many people noticed that it has been hidden. Any show of hands? Well once again I just couldn’t keep up with it. I loved it so much it was my starter on WordPress. I haven’t deleted it just hiding it for another time when I can fully enjoy it again. As I write this my thoughts are swirling around in my head. Can you really do this Molly? Can you just do one blog? The answer is yes. I can.
With my job at the spa going really well my body adjusting to my new work schedule (new to me of course). I am going to try to give more time to journaling and sharing when I can on refresh28.wordpress.com. I want to inspire and motivate people with my words.
I have always loved reading and writing in several journals. It has been a dream to share it with the public. I hear many people asking me when was I going to write a book. I dreamily would answer “Someday when my life is put together.” Until than I just love posting on my blog. It gives me a chance to give another point of view into life. I mean how many other people can juggle life, anxiety, and a few other things I write about? Not many I think. Just doing a balancing act is hard enough.
So with all these changes I hope to gain more readers and subscribers.
I realized somethings from the post that I wrote earlier on my other blog . For example I have watched the first episode of the second season of Agents of Shield on Netflix. The character of Fitz was going through a new stage in his life. He had begun stuttering and trying to find words and Simmons character was helping him. It than shocked me… I was watching myself after I had gotten back into society. I was trying to find the words to describe my life before and during my trip. I was telling my friend about little bits and pieces of what I saw just so she could understand what I was coming from. I was Fitz and he was my hero!
I originally wanted the title for the post to be Like a child inside of a candy store. Because lately I have tried so many different things and in time my body got so overwhelmed by the new sights and sounds that it needed to figure out how to let it melt into my body and senses. Cheese, salad dressing, and flavored water just to name a few came into my reach. On a weekend that I visited my family I got a small container of Tillamook Ice Cream Sweet Cream flavored. It was so good that I ate the whole thing in one sitting. These were things that I had been missing and began enjoying immediately. In my mind I was afraid I would not get a chance so I went ahead and in my ice creams case gobbled it up.
That is why I wanted to write this morning. To let people into my world and see how my healing process in action. Plus I have started sharing some of the pictures from my trip on Instagram that immediately shows on my Facebook page and Twitter. It has given me the chance to show the world these new skills that I am using to explain what is in my mind, heart, and soul.
My blog gets me. It truly does. It celebrates with me silently as my Twitter followers grow. Last year I was hoping and praying that some change would come. I worked hard to promote and do what I couldn’t do in the current environment. Make a name for myself. I dreamed of exporting my first blog over to this one so I wouldn’t feel guilty of writing on this one instead of that one. Alas that isn’t happening soon. Oh well at least I tried.
I like my new medical team that is building itself around me. Going to see a counselor would help me deeply with things. I openly write and talk about my anxiety, depression, and stress. They are my strengths that make me want to make myself better, they are my weaknesses when I can’t understand things as they seem harder, they are my tools when things are confusing. They are a part of me that will ultimately change my whole being.
I have watched a whole season of Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.LD. on Netflix. I decided if I need to understand the empowerment thing I need to watch it in action. So far I am relating to most of the characters in some shape or form. If I can achieve May than I think that would be a breakthrough. I was not happy with how Ward’s character has turned on the team. It leads me to wonder if that is how some people are in real life. Do they want to seem like they love or care about you but just end up hurting you? Something to think about reader.
I have been reading Kimberly Rae Miller’s Coming Clean on my Kindle App. Oh sister can you read my mind. I feel like she is speaking to me in a way I can totally understand. Reader I occasionally per take the thought that I help so many, but unsure about helping myself. Will my tombstone read “She loved too much.” If so what kind of life is that. Posting on my blog is a way I can communicate my thoughts without fear. It is also giving permission to my silent ADD to give it a chance to speak its mind and say things I would never think about saying out loud. I even had someone question me about if I had it. My answer was I recalled getting diagnosed in my early twenties. The energy that goes through me and comes out when I get too excited now that is my tool of ADD.
My dream someday is write a book or e-book that tells how I have made a difference in my life by beating the odds that have been set in front of me. If I can make some money that would be fun. Until then I have the safety of my blog to share my adventures and slowly recover all that life throws at me.
The end… for now.